I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's blow job season.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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