im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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