Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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