I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
