I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
