You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
