Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
