i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
