woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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