Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
