C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
