i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize