You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
