Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize