I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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