In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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