I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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