you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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