you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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