he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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