She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
