you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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