the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
