I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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