dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
