hotel room ftw
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
