So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
