it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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