Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
