I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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