Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
