Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize