I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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