I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
