Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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