They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
