last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
