why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Randomize
