life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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