I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
