I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
