this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
