We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
