They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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