Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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