My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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