My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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