I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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