I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
