how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
