We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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