When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
