Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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