he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
