Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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