I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
