Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Randomize
