she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
